Ryan and I did a lot of crafts. We always were painting new pictures to hang from the mantel or tape to our kitchen wall. Recently he was into painting and learning how to use markers. I had bought him a large marker set for Easter and we practiced using the colors and then putting the lid back on when finished. He loved snapping the lid back into place. He also loved coloring on things that were not paper. I find myself thinking of when I would scold him for coloring on himself or the carpet. I smile a bit, but I feel this deep rooted sadness at the same time.
I wish I could have him back and would let him color all over the place.
This deep sadness, I don't know what to do with it. As I mentioned it before, it sometimes takes my breath away. Sometimes it makes me cry with out warning. Sometimes I can ignore it and move on for a bit. Either way it is there and it is scary because I know it won't ever go away. I'm scared that I will feel sad for the rest of my life. To deal with the sad feelings I keep busy. I keep busy to try and keep the sad at bay.
Recently, in efforts to keep busy I've been doing a few crafts or cooking. Last week I make mosaic stepping stones for my sister's backyard, salted caramels, and spaghetti and meatballs for my family dinner. This week I painted pots and planted a bunch of beautiful succulents. And one tiny red cactus for Ryan. It all feels therapeutic.
I absolutely adore the way my succulent garden turned out so I thought I would share.
Thank you for listening...