It is around 2:30 in the morning. I wasn't really asleep to begin with, just laying down with my eyes closed and my mind racing a mile a minute. I sit up with angst, because I can't take it lying down. Lying down feels like I'm going to be sick. I'm scared of the scenes replaying in my mind. The scenes are mixed with vivid panic and deep, deep sadness. I'm feeling hot and angry. When I close my eyes all I see is my beautiful son who should be snuggled between his mom and dad, yet he is not. Now I'm crying that loud, uninhibited, ugly cry and my husband reaches out. My husband wasn't really asleep to begin with, just laying down with his eyes closed and his mind racing a mile a minute. He sits up with hurt in his eyes and pulls me closer to him. We sit, limbs intertwined and cry for our son.
This happens most nights. I cry out "I just miss him. I miss my little man." My husband rubs my back and whispers "I miss him too. I know, I miss him too." Sometimes, the roles are reversed and I rub my husband's back offering all I have to give to him. As he does for me. Always, we end up tangled within each other, our tears smeared together against our bare skin. Always, my husband whispers "We'll be okay. We are going to be okay." Always, I make him promise me.
"You promise we will be okay?"
"Yes, I promise."
Always, we whisper "I love you."
It has been six weeks and the loss of our son feels like it just happened seconds ago.
Life lately has been clouded with dark moments and cleared by a few really good moments. The good moments swoop in, brush a soft kiss on our face and then leave us just as quick as they came. Almost as if our son is bringing the good moments to us himself. At least I like to think of him doing so.
Six weeks since and I am proud of my husband and I. Our son loved hearing us tell him we were proud of him. Even when he finished his dinner he would say "Look momma! Are you so proud of me?!" Then I would cheer and say "Yes, I'm so proud of you Ry Ry!" His giant little smile was perfection. Thinking of that toothy grin gets my breath caught up in my throat. Now, when I have a moment alone I find myself whispering "Look Ryan, are you so proud of mommy and daddy?" I whisper to him "I hope you are proud baby because we are trying really hard to make you proud."
Always, I whisper "I love you."