I go days with feeling too exhausted to do much but just lay on the couch. Most days I force myself out of bed and into clothes. The amount of strength it takes to go to work everyday is something I can barely explain. A lot of times the pain feels so physical, like I can actually feel my heart hurting or my head so full of fog I can't see clear.
Some days are good and maybe easy. Some days are hard and definitely terrible.
Each morning is a toss up.
Over the past few days I have realized a new feeling though. This overwhelmingly warm feeling of gratitude. I seriously feel grateful. It feels weird saying this because I lost a beautiful piece of me and here I stand now grateful? Is that even possible?
I feel grateful when I look into my husbands eyes and hug him tight.
I feel grateful when my family makes me laugh and I'm able to act silly.
I feel grateful for my friends, new friends and the strangers who pray for us.
I feel grateful for the time I had with my son.
I feel grateful to be a mother. A special mother. Ryan's mother.
I feel grateful for the future.
God has proven to me over the past weeks there are still beautiful things to be grateful for. At first I couldn't see it. My eyes so clouded with anger and disbelief of this new life. Now I can see through the cracks of pain the beauty of all to be grateful for. Trust me...it is a slow process. But I feel the power working within me.
I will tell you, being grateful is the hardest thing to be in a time like this. It is so easy to be angry all the time. I do still feel angry. I feel sad always. I understand that the feeling of sadness will never go away. I feel heart broken when faced with other mothers who get to hold their babies. However, it is worth trying to feel grateful in the midst of anger and sadness. Because it is my faith and gratitude that is keeping me alive.
At least that is what I believe.
This feeling of gratefulness is proof there will be more, much more for my husband Dan and I.
This is all new to me...Writing it out helps me understand it better.
I am trying. I am trying so hard to explore my grief and really feel all there is to feel.
Thank you for listening friends.