It is safe to say that while I find baking and cooking with out Ryan's playful chatter and strewn toys across the tile floor, I certainly still hold a deep love for creating in the kitchen. It hasn't been easy to get back in there and while some of you might not see just how hard it is ... You'll have to trust me when I say, not having my son running in and out while I'm in the kitchen is something I'll never get used to. Ryan was always in the kitchen with me. YES, I do believe he is still with me ... but he really isn't w i t h me. [Insert sharp pain in the heart here.] I severely miss doing all things with my Ryan. This battle of doing things with out my child is constant. It is a true battle. Everyday I cry and a lot of times I feel so alone and defeated. However, while I do feel like crap covered in more crap most of the time, I am constantly working very hard on conquering this battle and all the others that come with losing your three year old son in a sudden second.
Ryan wants me to win. Being very competitive myself, I want to win these battles too.
This new life of mine, I am learning it day by day. And while I may win a few battles, they sometimes come back the very next day. And I believe that is okay, I believe that is normal. I believe I will fight these battles everyday for the rest of my life. They just may get easier as time goes on. I don't know. I just have to find the strength to fight again and again. I have to let myself feel Ryan's will for me to win ... I have to let myself feel the want to win too. If I want to win, I can.
The kitchen battle though has been won (for now) by my strong will and need to create sweet and tasty things. Also, my husband was getting hungry. ;) I definitely stayed away from the kitchen for a long time, and while I love restaurants and take out Ryan was most likely screaming "Get back in there! I want to see you make cookies and 'cuc-cakes'!" (cupcakes as Ryan would say) So, I had no flour but I had gluten free oats I use to make oatmeal in the morning with. I also felt the need to bake and really I just wanted a cookie.
I hope you enjoy these as much as I did. I hope that when you find yourself fighting your own battles, strength will wash over you and push you to win. Please know, I am rooting for you. These battles we face, some are quick and others (like the ones I have) are terrible and last for what seems like forever. I will tell you the same things they tell me.
They tell me God has a plan.
They tell me you are strong.
They tell me there is a light at the end of this darkness.
But ... until we see the damn light, we will eat cookies and keep fighting.
Salted Chocolate Almond Butter Cookies - Gluten Free
What You Need
- 3/4 cup of gluten free oats. I find mine at Trader Joes.
- 1 cup smooth almond butter. Make sure it is un-salted.
- 1/2 cup brown sugar
- 1/2 cup raw sugar
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1 egg
- 1 teaspoon real vanilla extract
- 1/2 a bag of semi-sweet (or dark chocolate depending on what you love) chocolate.
- 1 tablespoon coarse sea salt.
What You Do
- In a mixer toss in GF oats, both sugars, baking powder and almond butter. You will want to have it continue mixing until everything is incorporated.
- Next add the egg and vanilla. Mix for at least a minute or more. If your dough looks a little dry add a few drops of water until it comes together. Be careful to not add to much.
- Once the dough is glossy and forms a ball, place on parchment paper. Roll your dough up in the parchment paper and let it chill in the refrigerator. Let the dough chill for at least an hour.
- When it is time to bake, pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees.
- Line your baking sheets with parchment paper.
- Measure out your dough and roll balls that are 1 1/2 tablespoons in size.
- Bake for about 10 minutes. Take out the cookies and let them finish off cooking while still on the baking sheet.
- The sugars mixed with the GF oats in this dough make the cookie somewhat chewy in texture. When the sugar bakes in heat it melts, so when you pull the cookies out they will look semi un-done and flimsy. This is why you leave the cookies to finish off cooking on the baking sheet OUT of the oven. Once the cookies have cooled and stiffened you can move them to a cooling rack to await their chocolate.
-In a double broiler (or microwave) melt the chocolate.
-Once the chocolate is smooth and melted dip the cooled cookies. I dipped them half way so you can still see the texture of the cookies. Plus, it is easier and keeps your hands semi clean. ;)
-Place the chocolate dipped cookies back onto the cooling rack and sprinkle the sea salt on them.
-Once the chocolate has hardened they are good and ready to be devoured.