When I wake up in the morning I can't believe I am still pregnant. I can feel every ache and pain as my body awakes, my bladder is somehow full even after I pee and I feel swift kicks deep within my body as if this little girl is saying "Mornin' Momma". My belly swollen with life, and here I am inpatient and trying to induce labor by eating spicy food and bouncing on a giant exercise ball. I am caught between trying to embrace these last few days of pregnancy with the sheer and fierce want to hold my child. I have been waiting to hold a child of mine since May 2014. The power of physical touch is strong. Most of my panic attacks begin with the realization that I'll never be able to touch Ryan's soft skin and strong being again. I miss his touch so much I sometimes let myself feel that loss and loose control. I cry uncontrollably and squeeze my own arms and legs to just simply feel. If I can't hold Ryan till we meet again in Heaven, then please let me hold his little sister soon. Please, let me feel a child of mine soon. Being patient is something I'll never be good at.
During these last few days of being pregnant I am finding myself crying at just the thought of Ryan. To say I miss him is just a large understatement. I wish I could open up a bottle of what I feel and let people drink from it. So they too can feel just how all encompassing these feelings of loss are. So people can feel the wind knocked out of their lungs with just a sheer memory of Ryan or just by glancing at a photo of his sweet face. I wish so badly to not feel alone with these damn feelings I have. Usually, I smile when I think of my dear boy. I can enjoy a photo of him and be transported to that exact day and time. Most of the time I can close my eyes and let his memories wash over me and make me feel unbelievably strong. However, these during last few days one simple thought of my son breaks me down and I cry because I miss him and I feel like I need him here with me more than ever.
Having a second baby is such an incredible thing. You go through nine months of carrying another one of your children all the while prepping your first child for the quick change they'll endure soon. Moving from only child to having a little brother or sister is intense and I wish so badly I had the chance to witness it all with Ryan. I can't help but feel immense anger when I see a second child being welcomed into a family with an older sibling. I hate that I have to get over that. I hate that I have to imagine the acts of Ryan as we welcome his little sister into our family. I am letting myself feel angry and upset for a bit. Then I'll find the strength to let it all go. I am praying that our little girl is so full of her own personality, yet laced with bits of her older brother. With every smile may we see a glimmer of our son.
When I feel overwhelmed or so full of fierce feelings I take a hot shower. I drop some essential oils onto my hands and breath in the warm scented steam. This morning I was in the shower and I kept having these thoughts of not being ready. Maybe our little baby isn't here yet because I am not ready. Maybe she knows I need to just feel a little bit more. Maybe Ryan is telling her to give me and him a little extra time to just be us two. Just a little more time for me and my son to wrap ourselves up tight within our memories and laughter. Maybe a bit more time before Ryan has to share me. Maybe I just need a few extra moments with just me and son. I know that sounds silly seeing as Ryan isn't physically here. I know it might be really hard for some to understand. It is hard for me too. It is hard for me to sit here and think of Ryan on these last few days before I become a mother of two.
These emotional waves are strong. They come fast and hot and leave me breathless. In the wake of it all pure excitement seeps into the large cracks in my heart. This little girl has her mom and dad so excited. We can't wait to hold her, kiss her and feel all of her. The suspense is surreal. As much as I hate that Ryan isn't physically here with us, I know that he is with out a doubt HERE with us. Although we won't be able to take those first photos of my children together. You know the ones were the mom is holding the baby while sitting in the hospital bed, and the older sibling is either smiling or looking at the baby with confused awe. No, we won't have those. We'll have different ones that mimic the same thing, that mimic those same feelings of welcoming a second into the family. My family of four will look different with bits of redheaded wild magic sprinkled through out.
Having a baby after the loss we've had is hard. And emotional. And happy. And scary. It is a bunch of everything all mixed together and the added hormones makes it feel like I'm living in my own world at times. These past nine months have been a whirlwind and I can't believe it is nearly over. I can't believe we'll have another baby soon. I am so grateful to be given the chance to do it all again. During these last few days I'll being laying still with my eyes closed trying my hardest to feel Ryan close to me. I'm going to buy Ryan a little toy I know he would love, because I've heard thats what you do when you are expecting a little sibling. I don't want Ryan to feel left out. I'll be going through my favorite photos of Ryan and telling him over and over just how much I love him.
I've packed a few photos of Ryan in our hospital bag, and now we just wait. We wait till it is our time to become a family of four.
Photos By Kelsea Holder Photography
Hair & Make-up By Amanda Olson