Nine Months

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It is true I guess. It has been nine months.

I went to bed and awoke with the second of the month staring at me in the face.

I pushed it away and it moved into a dark mass over my head.

I tried to shake it off but it goes no where. All the progress I've made, all the smiles I've forced to be real, all the steps forward I've taken vanish.

I'm left a heaping mess and I let myself hate everything because I have zero strength to do much else.

Nine months is a scary thought. Nine months since I've heard his voice for real. Nine months since I've touched his silky, smooth, chunky, cheek. To say I miss it all feels like an understatement. I more than miss it all. Is that real? Can I more than miss it all? I miss you more and more everyday Ryan.

Nine months and I feel broken. Shattered.

Today I will let myself break. It feels good to break sometimes.

When I come up for air, I'll use my sleeve to wipe my tears and snot just as my son did when he had a runny nose. I'll smile small smiles when I remember Ryan's little body and the giant way he moved along his life. Slowly, I will pick up all my bits and pieces and begin to rebuild myself. Stronger. Rebuild myself with more power and grace. With more love and understanding of this life I lead.

It is true I guess. It has been nine months.

I let myself break and now I can begin to conquer this ninth month, just as I have been doing with months eight, seven, six ...