This grieve has a mind of it's own at times. It can rest aside, then awake and remind you of all the beauty that once was just a year ago. It leaves you alone with your thoughts and deeply sad. I always figured that Christmas or Ryan's birthday would be the hardest to live through with out him. However, Easter has proven to be just as difficult if not the hardest. I think because Easter was the last holiday we spent together. The day was perfect. Ryan loved Easter. The day has always been somewhat special.
Five years ago I was home with my mom. It was just two days after Easter. I was twenty five. My mom still makes Easter baskets for all of us however, now gift cards and bath products take the place of candy and toys. I remember telling my mom I was pregnant soon after I opened my Easter basket. I was crying because I was scared. The first thing my mom said after I told her I was pregnant was,
"YAY! I can make the baby an Easter basket next year! Jacqui, don't cry a baby is a blessing."
Since having Ryan, Easter has proven to be the most fun. Mostly because of the egg hunts and sugar. Ryan had my sweet tooth multiplied by ten, plus both his parent's competitive spirit. Ryan had to win, had to get the most eggs, had to get the most candy, just had to! He would say "I need to win Mom!" and in true Jacqui fashion I would say "I know baby, Mommy will help you!". So Dan and I both would run around and scout where the eggs were and try and direct Ryan to where the goods were.
Easter baskets were better than Christmas morning! We hid Ryan's basket and he would have to search for it in the morning along with a few eggs I hid. This last Easter Dan had started to teach Ryan about what it meant to be "hot or cold" when looking for something. So for a good thirty minutes Ryan slithered and snuck around the house shouting "Daddy! I am hot or cold?" "HOT?" all the while we were giggling. Dan would say "You are so cold Ry, you are freezing!!" Ryan thought that was so funny. Our last Easter morning was really, really good.
In our family everyone gives the children Easter baskets filled to the brim with all kinds of great things. So, as the day pressed on and we ventured out to visit family I instructed Ryan that he had to be kind and grateful. In the car we rehearsed. I told him "Ryan you have to say Happy Easter OK? You tell everyone Happy Easter and that you love them or else you won't get a basket." Ryan just nodded his head and then asked "Can Katy Perry come on now?" As if he were trying to tell me, relax I got this.
Forever we will remember my little determined man so ungracefully stomping into my Aunts house. Finding his Tia, giving her a kiss and then say "Happy Easters, I love you . . . Can I have my basket?"
In the moment I was horrified and told him to be nice and it wasn't polite to just ask for a basket. Everyone knew we had rehearsed. It was awful and hysterical.
I know for a fact that Heaven is glittering on this day. I know your Easter basket is full and I hope you took it easy on everyone up there. Today on this Easter with out you I will do nothing but think of you. I will live and love for you. I will get up and get dressed and find a few eggs for you. I will eat candy and laugh for you. I will remember our past Easters with a smile.
Happy Easter, I love you . . . Can I have my basket?
below are a few photos from our last Easter