Waking up this morning I was overwhelmed with sadness. I felt the giant hole in my heart and it was so quiet the stillness was heavy in the air. In that moment I fiercely missed Ryan's loud, little footsteps pounding into our bedroom. I missed feeling his body slam into mine as he whispers "time to get up". Most mornings my mind goes through what was, but on these little holidays such as Father's Day or Mother's Day after losing our son are awful. Frankly, they suck.
It is always a fight to stay positive and get through the day as Ryan would want us to. Today was especially difficult, though after two waffles with powdered sugar and a pound of bacon it was easy to see that today was only to be fun and full of smiles. The sun was bright and Dan and I found ourselves at the beach which was exactly what Ryan would have wanted.
We missed out on a homemade card created by Ryan. We missed out on his sloppy kisses and lovingly aggressive hugs. However, we talked about him all day and remembered how he loved to eat sand and lay on his stomach while the waves crashed onto him. We felt him strong as the sun kissed out skin. We celebrated Father's Day with Ryan in the best way we could.
These little holidays can be awful with out our son.
Frankly, they can suck.
But not this time. Not today. Today was beautiful.
Happy Father's Day To You Dan. Ryan and I love you.
We also ended the day with giant snow cones which I clearly enjoyed more than the beach it looks like ...