As many of you know, I had surgery last month to fix a hernia that decided to pop up while 5 months pregnant. The path to recovery after my hernia surgery hasn’t been the easiest. My growing belly isn’t allowing my muscles to heal. My baby girl is getting bigger by the day and my hernia can’t heal fast enough. I feel like my body is playing tug-a-war and I am the referee in the middle blowing my whistle in extreme pain trying to stop the game.
This past week I went back to work and after a few days my body was raising red flags and it turns out I can’t do it all. I can’t continue to recover, be pregnant and work at the same time. I feel frustrated, defeated because I love my job. I dragged my body into work this morning and could barely stand with out feeling pain. I made three dramatic calls; my mom, my doctor and my boss in that order. I ended up having to leave work. Upset and feeling like a failure at this ‘pregnancy with hernia’ gig I've been dealt.
On the drive back home I stopped to get an iced Chai because I used to get one with Ryan nearly everyday. When I am sad I end up thinking about my son and dig myself into an even deeper sadder hole. Where I can’t stop crying and this whirlwind of feeling sorry for myself whips me up and throws me hard against the ground. I’ve come to realize that I’m very sensitive to my life’s road blocks because I’m still very fragile since losing Ryan. Like I am walking around living with an open wound day in and day out. I wish after suffering from losing a child one can become immune to the rest of life’s sharp turns and fierce bumps.
Actually, if I could wish for something I’d wish to have my son back.
Taking a deep sip of my iced chai between taking deep breaths and imagining Ryan walking by my side I began to feel better. As I started to walk back to my car I saw a man walking towards me dressed in a white cloth robe. I looked down to avoid eye contact and right as he passed me he said “What a beautiful girl you have in there.” And with that I was intrigued, no matter how this was going to turn out it was going to be good story either way right? I spun around and asked him “How’d you know this is a girl?” He smiled and said “I can feel it, your little girl is special and will be here before Christmas so you can celebrate the holiday with her.” I took a step back and started to laugh, because my due date is Christmas Day. At that point I was invested and decided to have him lay whatever so-called wisdom he had on me. I told him “You are good, what else can you tell me?” I stood there thinking, humor me dude, I’m having a crap day and you seem like a good laugh.
Then in a soft steady voice he explained . . . “You have had a hard time. There is someone above looking after you and your daughter will show you many things. Many great things. You need to relax and take care of your body until your baby comes. And in a year you will have another baby, a boy perhaps. You weren’t on the right track, now you are. You have so much good coming. Meditate and embrace all the good.”
Half laughing, half stunned was this stranger serious? I love weird things like this and maybe I was meant to be stopped by this weird guy. Who knows. I smiled at him said “Thank You sir” and started to turn back towards my car just as he said “Wait, can I have two dollars?”.
. . . the best part? I had two crisp dollar bills laying flat in my wallet. I handed them to him and told him “Thank you for making my morning better. I hope you go help someone else now.”
I went on to have a pretty ok day. I rested. I tried to meditate like the fortune teller told me, but listened to hip hop music instead. I did a load of laundry and kept talking aloud to my son. I sat on the couch and felt my baby girl move around inside me. I told her if she comes before Christmas Santa will give her whatever she wants.
Clearly, everything from here on out will be OK. I knew that before being stopped on the sidewalk. Though it is always nice to hear it from someone else. Especially from a stranger.
If you see a white cloth robed man walking the streets of Pasadena, give him a listen.
Just make sure to have some cash on you…