Happy 5th Birthday Ryan Cruz

I can't believe Ryan is five! When you have your first baby, at least for me, it was always hard for me to imagine my baby growing older. It was hard to imagine, but fun at the same time. I thought, Ryan is so wild I wonder how nuts he will be once he is five or older! One of the things I was looking forward to most was him starting elementary school and organized sports. He would have been incredible. It breaks my heart when I think about those thoughts I used to have. It makes me realize that when we lost our son, we lost all our hopes and dreams for him too. That is hard to get used to.

We lost Ryan when he was three and half years old and very set in ways. He knew what he liked, what he loved and what he didn't. Moving forward we will forever remember Ryan as he was and what he loved when we lost him. Frozen in time. I wish I knew what he would have liked right now or in a few years. I wish I could still see him grow. We've now celebrated two birthdays with out Ryan and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. Though celebrating Ryan is something that is extremely important to me and my husband no matter how hard it may be. So from here on out we'll celebrate our boy each year as we remember him with lots of Disney and sugar.

Turning 5 is a big deal and I was so happy to have had our family and friends together at Ryan's favorite place. I brought along party favors and we let Ryan's spirit lead us the entire day. When we sang Happy Birthday to Ryan there were a lot of tears, but I know he was there with us and had a really fun time. You can see him in our smiles.

Below are just a few photos from our day. You can also see more on the #happybirthdayryancruz hashtag on Instagram. Seeing everyone and how they celebrated Ryan on his special day was is incredible. We are so grateful for each and everyone's birthday wishes!