You know, as I sit here and write this I am in a coffee shop. A little coffee shop near my house that gets so crowded. I’m sitting at a small table in the back, people are packed in reading, working, doing whatever it is we do in coffee shops these days. It is early, Mila and Dan are most likely still sleeping back at home. I’m sitting here trying to think what would I be doing if Ryan were here? Tears are stinging my eyes as I sit here. The tears are pricking the brim of my eyes and I am fighting them to not fall down my face. For a person who wears her feelings on her sleeve, to keep from crying is torture. I already feel like I am going insane most days, I don’t want to actually fit the part and start crying in public here. Really though, I can’t help it. Here they come, down my face.
Lately, I have been feeling so desperate. So desperate to have Ryan present in everything. I feel this strong pull to bring him up. Talk about him. Include him in everything we do. Each time I do it hurts. But he is my child and I feel like I need to bring him along, everywhere. You know, being my sort of mother of two is difficult at times. If I ever shy away from bringing along my son on some level, I feel guilty. I think back on the day he was born. They day he was born was also the day I was born a mother. Ryan made me a mother and just because he has passed away, doesn’t mean he is gone. At least to me it doesn’t mean that.
If you know me personally or have been reading my blog/Instagram for the last three years, you know that I strive to make Ryan present. It is something that helps me, yet hurts at the same time. But growth and healing hurt a little each time progress is made. Steps forward are forever laced with bittersweetness.
This past Easter, I hid eggs for him. Why? Who would find them? Mila got his eggs. Is that weird? Sometimes I think I should just let it all rest. It would be easier to do that right? Honestly though what is easy? I’ve come to the realization that nothing for me will be easy. I have been so desperate to bring Ryan along with us because I am desperate to not lose him completely. If I never bring him up, I don’t think anyone will. He made me a mother, I am his mother and it is my job to have him stand by me. Or at least imagine he is. There is nothing wrong with imagining things is there?
I sit here and I think of him up in Heaven. I am not entirely sure how it is up there, I know it is fun. I know it has to be a damn good place. I hope someone is cutting his sandwich into hearts and dinosaurs like he loves. I think of Ryan looking down on us. Watching Dan and I. I imagine him smiling and laughing at his little sister. I think of him coming down however angels do, to her give her kisses and to whisper mischievous ideas into her ear. I believe they have a relationship far beyond what I can even imagine. These thoughts, they help me. They also frustrate the crap out of me. They remind me how upset I am that I have to live out my two children with one in my arms and one far from my reach. But, when I look at Mila and see hints of her brother. When I see her growing up into her own tiny, extremely happy self I feel lucky.
My mother of two journey is difficult. I say I wouldn’t change it, though if I could have them both I would. This back and forth is kills me. Lately it has me feeling so heavy. I’ve been keeping a lot of these jumbled thoughts to myself and writing them all out helps me feel lighter. Helps me remember just how blessed I am. Letting it out helps me let it go and the feeling of gratitude rushes in.
Ryan and I used to visit San Francisco often. As much as we frequented that incredible city, we never made it to the Koret Carousel. If you haven’t been, GO! It is really cute and there are fun things for little ones to do. The last time we were in the city I took Mila on the carousel. I like to think Ryan was with us too. He was.
A few photos from that fun afternoon with my little ones…