Last month we had Mila's baptism and it was such a beautiful day! My whole family came together and my grandparents even flew in from Costa Rica. My grand mother brought the christening gown that my mother, myself and my sister wore on the day of our baptisms. I was so worried it wouldn't fit Mila, but it did and it was seriously so amazing. Having that memorable heirloom worn by my very own daughter was something so special. I get goosebumps just thinking of it now. (I'm also happy that Mila didn't ruin with her massive poop explosion she managed to do right in the middle of the church ceremony)
There is something really special about having family gathered around to celebrate. I think it was such a great reminder to all of us and our faith. We all were in good spirits and I'm not exaggerating when I say everyone was just so dang happy. Smiles from ear to ear. Not just for Mila, but for life and the beauty it holds. I believe Mila is such a symbol of hope for the future. I know she has been so healing for Dan and I. Though seeing our whole family together it made me realize, she isn't just healing our hearts. She is healing our entire family and their hearts. When they see Mila they believe. No matter the struggle, there will always be good to have in the end.
I do believe that if you want to see good, if you want to see hope, you have to really look for it. I realized this after I lost my son. I would feel so damn lost, so lost my eyes couldn't even focus really. I felt in a deep haze. I wanted so badly to live for him but I didn't know how at first. I couldn't grasp life with out my son, I didn't know what that looked like. Then I started to ask Ryan for signs to let me know he was still with me on some level. I asked God to give me strength and the eyes to see the good. I'd try and find something good, or anything that would remind me of Ryan. Slowly it started to get brighter. On my darkest days I would spot his favorite movie characters on a billboard, his favorite song would come on the radio as I cried for him. Anyways, each day I strived to find things that resembled Ry. Anyways, to those hearts that are in the midst of struggle ... I pray you find glimpses of hope and happy that keep you going. Gleams of good that uplift you from the darkness. It is really hard I know, it takes time.
I am so grateful for this life I have. I know I say it all the time, but my blessings are not lost with me. I count them everyday and thank God daily. I thank my son Ryan too, because I believe he is up there working magic down here for us too.