Have you ever felt good things coming? The air around you seems thick with sweetness, your body feels light and smiles are easy to come by. Possibly a skip or two might work its way down and out your happy feet? I feel good things coming ...
Since losing Ryan the holiday season has been nothing short of a painful gut punch. Awaking on Christmas morning with the wind knocked out of both Dan and I as we just cried together in bed. The pain so bad it was as if we were losing him all over again, but in slow motion as our past Christmas memories burned within. This year, I was ready for it. I foresaw the pain and I knew what it had in store for me. Knowing now how to handle it all. I stood there near Thanksgiving ready and willing to take on my grief. Though, it never came. I feel deep within my heart a great deal of sadness that this is our third holiday with out Ryan. However, our happiness this time around out weighed the sadness. I feel the four of us together. I look at Mila and tears of joy fall with out abandon. The feeling of gratitude for my life is now the reason I am out of breath … and it feels so good.
This holiday season isn’t wrapped up in a nice bow. Mila isn’t our cure. I wish so badly I could hear Ryan begging for specific Christmas gifts. There will be tears. There will be moments were I will have to sit and just remember Ryan. I will have to give myself some time to grieve, because holidays with out the ones you love are brutally difficult. However, this holiday seems to be laced with sparkle and magic as well! Dan and I graciously get to experience Christmas physically with our child once again. Saying that I am grateful seems like an understatement! No, Mila is not a cure, though she has proven to mend parts of our broken hearts.
The last two holidays with just Dan and I seemed so empty. The first holiday season we escaped to the snow and didn’t even acknowledge Christmas. The second holiday season I was pregnant with Mila and things seemed lighter, except I was 200 pounds and about to give birth any second. ;) It was happier than the first. Now with our third holiday season upon us we are ready to do it all again. Meaning our traditions we started with Ryan. Our traditions we haven’t done since losing him. We are ready to buy gifts, stuff stockings. I’m not kidding when I say I am crying as I just typed that last sentence. The tears of joy are real you guys. And it is weird, I feel Ryan more than I have ever lately. I feel him. I see his smile. He is everywhere. Is it weird to think that he is just as happy as we are? He gets the best of both worlds I’d assume. Christmas with us and Christmas with God himself seems pretty incredible. My boy deserves it all. This year, I will buy Ryan something small. I will wrap it and put it underneath the tree. I don’t know who will physically open it … but he will always have gifts under our tree.
One of my most favorite traditions was getting hot chocolate and driving around this neighborhood that has the most incredible Christmas lights displayed. We would have all the windows down and Christmas music blaring. Ryan used to love it. I can’t wait to take Mila this year! I’m am thrilled to visit Santa for a photo again too! I can’t wait to wrap gifts for Mila. Christmas morning this year will just be wonderful. Our happiest holiday is on the horizon.
I feel good things coming. The air I breath in is sweet and smile inducing. There is a slight skip in my step. I am happy, I get to do Christmas again.
Photos by Dulcet Creative