I think both Dan and I are happy to be saying good bye to May. The month of May will forever be hard to get through as it comes with the memory of losing our son. The memories of that awful day always slap us in the face, but their force is harder within May. They come quick and often leaving me breathless. Most of the time the thoughts sneak up at random...but when May rolls around the thoughts show up clearly. I can see them, feel them before they attack. My mind just goes the May two years ago so vividly. More so than other months. The start of the month is always the hardest as May 2nd is the actual date. As the month carries on, we do too. I have to say, last May was sheer pain. I didn't leave my bed for most of the month. My friends and family came to visit the both of us at home and it literally felt as if we were losing Ryan all over again.
This year, I am quite proud of my husband and I. This year we made a huge effort to celebrate our son and remember him on May 2nd and the days preceding. I didn't stay in bed like last year...that is progress. That shows how strength grows ten fold in just a year. It proves that after the horrible days are wonderful ones in spite of the tragedy. I hope that inspires others, it definitely inspires me to keep fighting! I always have to remind myself to look back and see how far Dan and I have come. I am so appreciative of how we are going about our journey so far. One thing is for sure, we wouldn't be able to be as strong as we are with out the support of others. Our family and friends have been vital to us as we navigate this grief.
Dan and I were so surprised, a few days after May 2nd his sister sent us the cutest cards from her class. Dan's sister had her class pledge to live a loud and wild life and write down ways they planned to do so. It looks as though they spoke about Ryan together and ways they can live their life to the fullest. As a mother of a child who has passed, the one thing I crave is to see my son's little legacy live on in other children. I adore little ones hard at work dreaming of ways they can live a full life. I imagine Ryan gives them all their best ideas...and their not so great ideas...and their ideas that may be way too loud, way too wild. My son probably offers all his best messy ideas, yummy ideas all the adventurous ideas that keep children smiling and happy.
Even after the vivid memory of my son fades within others, his legacy will still be present within those who pledged to live with no inhibitions in his honor. He will still be present in those who choose to do more with their children and families. Cook together, play together. Ryan will be present in the smiles and laughter that will be had today, tomorrow and all the days to come.
And with that, we will tuck May away until next year . . .
Thank you to Julie and her class for coloring us such beautiful photos. We love them all!