I can’t go another day with out saying something. Anything. It has been a few days now since the shooting in Orlando and if I am still trying to wrap my mind around the evil that took place…I can’t imagine how the families and friends of those who were lost feel. I can’t imagine how the LGBT community feels. I can’t imagine how Orlando feels as a whole. Words are never enough in these kinds of situations. In fact, no words can right any wrongs. Though, my words are sincere I know they are of no true help. I do however, believe in prayer. I believe in trusting God despite the tragedy at hand. If anything, I can offer up my prayers and try my best to shine light through the darkness our world faces.
Are prayers even enough anymore? Yes. I don’t know! I want to believe so.
Immediately I felt fear. Upon hearing the news I couldn’t help but feel fearful. We can plainly see that even when you think everything is OK and nothing bad or tragic will happen today, tonight. It certainly can. This life is so unfair. So ugly! Fear laced with immense anger and sadness are the emotions that have worked their way through out my entire body since Sunday. Thinking that we just aren’t safe anywhere but inside our homes. Thinking, I can’t go anywhere because I don’t want anything bad to happen.
Sitting here, holding my sleeping baby. Looking down at her and her innocent face. Thinking of the person she will come to be. Feeling afraid of the world she will come to know. As a mother I have to learn how to live with that constant fear lingering in the back of our minds. That fear of “What if…” What if something horrible happens to my child, to my family? That fear is a scary thing to feel. A scary thing to think about. I don’t know how everyone gets by with it. I know some days I push it far away. I kick it far down beneath all the rest. Most days I am able to cope with the fact that I have zero control of what is to be. What is to come. But when tragedy strikes as it has, it just tears away my strength. Rips me raw and I feel so scared. Steam rolled. Flatted by fear.
Currently, I am sitting here in my hotel room, half the country away from my husband. I can’t tell him “I Love You” enough. Begging him to text me his every move. Terrible things can happen in a moment. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. My heart is heavy with the loss of those in Orlando. I find myself looking at their faces, saying out loud “I’m so sorry”. Crying for innocent, beautiful people. Sending all my light and love to them and their loved ones over and over again.
I promise to teach my children how to love. I promise to do all I can to help make changes. I promise to try and not live in fear. Fear is what evil wants of us. I promise to live through the fear and try to enjoy what we have of this life.
I had to say something. Anything. Even if it was just my feelings and thoughts and ramblings all jumbled together as one.
If I had to just say one thing it would be, Love. Love is a strong word. A strong feeling. Embrace it, as it will eventually beat the evil we are faced with.