Real talk. This month has been a little difficult. I’ve had this darkness I can’t seem to shake, a grey cloud if you will that just follows me around. It lifts only a few times to let me breath a bit easier, but for the most part it hangs out with me. I see myself as one of those cartoons with a rainy cloud only raining a top my head. Only raining a top my head while everyone dances and goes about their life merrily. That last sentence is so dramatic. It is the truth though! Also, when you feel down you tend to feel more alone than ever. At least that is how it is for me. I feel sad and then take a look around only to see everyone having a great time. I think a lot of people feel like that at times. Just recently for me the darkness and that 'alone' feeling is more heavy than ever.
I’ve said here before that time is everything. Given enough time, things grow. Things heal. I have found that to be true. Especially while grieving the loss of my son, time has given my heart the chance to heal. However, I feel as though my healing heart has ceased. I was doing good! I was choosing happy over sad everyday no matter how hard it was. I was smiling and spending every waking moment with my daughter enjoying every ounce of this life God has given me. A lot of the time that came with ease. I didn't have to force the happy for the most part. I thought I was going a great job. But this month I feel as though I have fallen and I can’t rid the pain. I miss Ryan more than ever and I can’t explain why. Because I thought with time things just naturally got easier? How is it possible that I feel just as raw as I did just days after losing Ryan? I feel myself moving forward, growing stronger as I navigate this journey of grief. How can I dip so low again?
This weekend I really tried to make sense of it all. Feeling so damn guilty for missing Ryan as much as I do. Feeling guilty as I hold my daughter as she sleeps in my arms, tears falling down my face because I wish I got to feel the weight of Ryan within my arms. I wish I could feel his hair tickle my neck as we hugged. I am so grateful for both my children. It's just that sometimes I want to have both of them physically with me and because I can't, well that just hurts. As I yearn for Ryan, I feel guilty because my daughter is right here! I shouldn't feel so sad and upset while I have Mila. Does it make me a terrible mother for wanting my son back so bad that sometimes I cry while even playing with Mila? Saying that out loud just makes me feel awful, which keeps that damn rainy cloud above my head.
I think last year as we embarked on life with Mila, things just were so good after being so bad. I definitely rode the high. I had bad days, but I kept surpassing them with all the great that Mila brought with her. I remember soon after losing Ryan I wrote that grief comes in waves. (you can read that post here) A few times grief can crash into you, taking your breath away. A few times grief calmly comes and washes over your feet. A few times grief's tide stays idle. I thought I understood these feelings. I thought I had a handle on them. I guess it turns out that I did, but now not so much. And really, that is ok! These feelings will be with me until I get to see my son again. My heart never will fully heal, always bearing a Ryan shaped hole within it. The waves will come and go. I know happiness will come a bit easier soon. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, even though I still do. I feel confident in understanding these emotions. I know that I have to feel them, then try my hardest to let go of them for a while. After the darkness come light right? Is that how the saying goes? Mila has proven to be my light.
I've been keeping all this in since the holidays. Afraid really to tell it all because well I have no idea why. I share everything here. I guess that mom guilt got to me and strangled my will to share. Though I know a lot of us feel awful sometimes. And that 'alone' feeling can hit any of us. I hope that by me sharing will show you that you are in fact not alone. I know we are all going through so many struggles. Big or small they are all valid. Know that what you are feeling is ok and that feeling dark needs to be felt. It will make you appreciate and hold tightly to the light when it finally shines.
Sending you all my love! As always, thank you for listening to my heart.
These photos are iPhone pics that we took over the weekend during the short break from rain.