I love taking videos on my phone of everything we do and sometimes I get inspired to put them together into a little video. I am actually terrible at making these little videos, but I love them! I've watched this video from our recent camping trip a few times. We had such a great time and Mila was a camp baby rock star. I still can't believe she turned seven months while we were up there! Here are a few peeks at our time up in Humboldt County while camping in the redwoods ...
Last week we took a long drive up to Humboldt County for a fun camping vacation. When Ryan was about Mila's age we took him beach camping near Malibu and it was honestly one of my favorite family adventures. Both Dan and I have been camping since we were our children's age. Camping is just one of those things that brings on a thousand incredible memories for us. I knew for Mila's first Summer we had to make a memorable camping voyage and we really hit this one out of the park! We packed all the essentials, warm clothes, s'mores ingredients and enough diapers to get through a week. I actually received a lot of questions on how we managed camping with a little one. Honestly, it was pretty simple. I'll put together a little must have list that helped me and post it soon. I definitely recommend camping though starting at Mila's age and on!
We spent our days hiking within redwood tree groves and having picnic lunches with the best Mother Earth scenery. The beautiful trees almost made up for when Mila kicked my salami sandwich into the dirt while sitting on my lap ;) I had never been up to see the redwood trees and they are truly beautiful. So big, when you take a look up it takes your breath away. This world is a pretty amazing one. We ended up using a lot of Ryan's belongings and on the first day I had a minor panic attack about using it all. I felt for a quick moment guilty and didn't want him to be looking down on us thinking we are moving on with out him. I have these thoughts from time to time. We were using Ryan's hiking backpack and Mila wore his blue jacket ... I guess I just came to the thought that Ryan was clearly with us in some way. Some how. If Ryan were physically here with us Mila would still be using his things, because that is typically want second siblings do right?
You know how I usually do things, I do everything with Ryan on my mind. So seeing his belongings in action once again was hard at first. Though the pain wore off and it felt really great to see us being us again. With Ryan present in his own vibrant way. I made sure our son was all over place and we even spelled his name out with these smooth beach pebbles. I also felt so inclined to give Mila her first taste of Nutella which I am sure her big brother approved of. Oh and she had her first roasted marshmallow too!
My favorite day of camping was when we took a long drive up to Samoa Island to eat at the Samoa Cookhouse. We ate so much and the whole family was with us. We explored all around that day and ended up at an old train station with refurbished trains from 1916, a beautiful beach lined with huge sandy dunes and the cutest town filled with weird knick knacks. Of course, it was the day we didn't bring the camera along. But we will be back, because there is a tiny bakery that apparently sells the best cinnamon rolls. We didn't have any cash on us to get one ... next time!
I was smart enough to bring along our Gathre mats which were such lifesaver! I laid them out on the ground and put toys on them for Mila to play with while we made breakfast or just hanging out at the camp site. Those mats come in handy and I love taking them with us everywhere. Now that Mila is so close to crawling, her curiosity gets the best of her sometimes. She played with her toys for a few moments, then wanted to take a taste of nature. She escaped the mats to eat a leaf or two ...
The four of us truly had the best time and are already planning another camping trip for the fall. Below are a few of my favorite photos from our time spent within the redwoods. Thanks for coming along with us on our journey!
As April is coming to a close, I sit here in awe of how incredibly quick it blew by. At the start of the month I felt optimistic, on top of all the things that had to be done, all the things that we had planned. I love that powerful feeling that washes over you when you have a handle on life and its surroundings for once. I wish I had a handle on it all for longer periods of time. The times I feel OK and productive are fleeting lately. Does anyone else feel like that?
We had two family weddings this month, both in Arizona back to back. Plus a laundry list of work to do for Baby Boy Bakery Shop and a few other partnerships. April was proving to be a busy few weeks. In the middle of it all Mila and I came down with the flu which we are still trying to ward off. It all happens like that though. When you have plans and just the slightest thing derails it, then somehow things are snowballing out of control. I recently was on a panel and a woman asked me, "Out of children, husband, family, work and fun which do you let go of the most?" I immediately said work. I am not sure if that is a great quality, but I tend to let any sort of work go when things get a little overwhelming for me. I turn into homebody who just wants to spend with my family. I ignore emails, text messages, all of it. I tune it all out and try to focus on my children and husband to help bring me back to life. Those two wedding weekends were good for my soul. I was able to relax both weekends in Arizona and really hone in on what I love most. Of course now I am in drowning with all the catching up I have to do. I guess the moral of this rant is...I am not exactly sure. I am working on not shutting down when things get overwhelming. I am open to any tips you may have. Question: Out of children, husband, family, work and fun - Which do you let go of the most?
The upside though was spending quality time with family. Re-connecting with family we haven't seen for months! The best part? Was taking Mila down to the hotel pool for her first "swim". These firsts are so exciting and emotional. It seems that with each day she grows up ten times more than she is supposed to! I can't believe this little sweetheart will be four months soon. We took Mila to the pool first to just put her feet in, but I mean she seemed like she loved it. Haha! So I ran upstairs to get her swim suit. Her tiny swim suit that I bought for ONE DOLLAR!! Of course we forgot swim diapers though...
I loved her little face as she warmed up within the water. She was definitely unsure at first. But afterwards she told me she was ready for swim lessons ;)
A few years ago when Baby Boy Bakery was in its infant stages, I decided it would be a great idea to make 1000 cupcakes and serve them to 800 women after a 5k race. I volunteered myself as a ‘She Is Beautiful’ race sponsor to help get my name out there. It ended up turning into a family event. I hustled 1000 cupcakes, ran the 5k and passed out cupcakes to all the women who raced . . . all with Ryan in tow. He was just 13 months at the time. He wasn’t walking just yet and while I passed out cupcakes he crawled all over the beach with my husband and his cousins. My step dad built my booth and cupcake display. My grandpa helped me at my cupcake booth, passing out cupcakes and making friends with all the people. My mom and sister in law ran the race with me. My entire family was there cheering on Baby Boy Bakery. It was the first time I felt like my family understood my blog and why I had one. To share my story, my baking and to meet new friends.
I’ll be forever grateful for that day.
The ‘She Is Beautiful’ race has since morphed into this epic event that takes place in Santa Cruz (in other locations as well I believe). This race is for women, which I adore. There is something quite breathtaking when surrounded by strong women. I feel at home. Within my tribe. The ‘She Is Beautiful’ race combines women from all walks of life and places us all on the same track. We are faced with the fact that we are not alone, which is comforting. We are shown that we are more sisters than strangers.
This year I jumped back on the 'She Is Beautiful' bandwagon and decided to run the 5K with both my children this time. Standing at the start line I truly felt both my children with me. Through out the entire race Ryan was warm on my back. I felt and saw so much of him as I ran. Mila wore her big brother's blue jacket and slept soundly the whole time cuddle inside the stroller. The day of the race was a bit emotional, but by the end I was flying so high I felt I could run another 3 miles. I just kept repeating "Wow! That was so awesome! That was so much fun!" . I am now planning on running in the next 'She Is Beautiful' race next year...If you are interested, I will see you at the start line!
Mila and I were lucky enough to partner with a stroller company called Bumbleride right before the 5K. We got to test out Bumbleride's new stroller - Speed. I absolutely fell in love with it and will post more about that on Friday!
A few photos from my race below...
Friends! It has been two weeks since I've had my surgery and I can't believe the amount of messages, emails and kind words that I had waiting for me. I want to Thank You all so much! My surgery went well and I can finally walk with minimal pain. Hernia surgeries are no joke . . . even more so while pregnant. Especially when your doctor has you do the surgery awake while only using a local anesthetic to keep the baby as safe as possible. I'm so thankful it is all over and my muscles are all fixed and in place again. As everything heals I can go for short walks and that is pretty much it.
My doctor did clear me for a little 'baby moon' to Hawaii, so long as I promised to relax. Baby and I have been eating our weight in Hawaiian Shave Ice and watching Dan snorkel and swim from the shoreline. However, lounging by the beach is definitely better than lounging on my couch.
We just arrived and below are a just a few photos. I can't thank you enough for all your sweet words.
Thank You for taking part in my journey, your love means the world.
Recently, my husband Dan and I ventured to Seattle for a weekend getaway. We were lucky enough to plan it alongside Dan's 30th birthday and it turned out to be a lovely celebration in the Pacific Northwest. What a beautiful place! My love birds on Instagram detailed thousands (literally thousands) of fun, exciting and delicious places to must-see. We could have built a two week itinerary with the recommendations! On the plane ride up we stuffed all the recommendations into two and half solid days . . . which left us with full bellies, full hearts and sleepless. Literally, we slept so little. Up early, falling asleep late. Sleepless in Seattle. ;)
Aside from our own plans, the lovely souls living in Seattle had a few surprises for us. I've never traveled to a place where the locals treated me with such love and generosity. What an incredible place it was.
Below are photos from our trip. Our favorite places, Seattle's surprises and the smiles that came easy while we traveled with Ryan shining above us . . .
Since first learning about Seattle when I was little I've always wanted to see three things. Albeit they are the three most classic Seattle spots, there is something really special about seeing popular landmarks that you've only read about or seen in movies. Whats better is getting to experience them with someone special. One of my most favorite things ever was experiencing holidays and fun places with Ryan. The face of your excited happy child never gets old.
The Space Needle, Pike Place Market and the gum wall in Post Alley was first on my hand written list. All three exceeded my thoughts. I cried when I saw the Space Needle, I kept grabbing Dan's arm saying "Look! I can't believe it! Can you see it?!" It was awesome. I took Dramamine before riding to the top, because I get motion sickness and the elevator is FAST! Ryan would have loved the elevator ride. I imagined him asking a million questions and then running around like crazy round and round the top. There was also a cafe at the top and I'm sure he would have asked for a hot chocolate. Once at the top we saw everything and the best sight for me was the house boat from Sleepless In Seattle. Once I spotted it I had a huge yearn for my mom. We have watched that movie thousands of times and I know she would have shrieked in excitement with me as we.
We ate our way through Pike Place Market and although I hate the smell of fish I didn't mind it here. It was all part of the experience. The best places to eat for us were; Beecher's Handmade Cheese for their "World Famous" mac & cheese, Rachel's Ginger Beer, Biscuit Bitch and this place that had the largest cookies but I can't remember the name. This marketplace is jam packed with tiny places to eat which I'm sure are all amazing. We walked through each day and found something new each time.
The gum wall was seriously disgusting and incredible all at once. I don't remember how I learned of it, but once I had I'd been dying to see it in person and add my chewed art. The colors were so bright and some people even left their mark by stretching out the gum to create letters. Ryan would have loved this as all to much. He'd first want to touch it and I'd probably spend my efforts on keeping him from getting to close. Then we would have stayed in that alley for far to long as he chewed gum piece after gum piece to place on the wall. "Just one more mom, pwese!" I had mentioned to Dan in a whisper "Ryan would have loved this..." Dan agreed and as we started to walk away we spotted his name . . .
Each day I played a wicked game. How many cups of coffee can Jacqui drink in 24 hours? I maxed out at 6 the first day and the next just settled on having 4. But Seattle is like the coffee capitol and there is a cute cafe on each corner! The coffee was gooood. My favorites were; Uptown Espresso, Oddfellows, Pegasus ... all of them are honestly delicious.
We walked through the Olympic Sculpture Park one morning. It was beautiful. The park is right on the water and it feels so cool to walk in between giant art installations. Thank you to the sweet stranger who recommended this place to us!
I don't know where these white feathers came from, but they were everywhere and seemed to fall from the sky. Maybe there was a pillow factory somewhere I had no idea about. But I sure did love finding them everywhere we went. Maybe I look to far into things for signs from my little man, it makes me feel comfort though. I love having an open heart and really searching. I have to believe Ry is working hard up there to send me little love notes, he knows I can see them.
One night a sweet stranger left red balloons tied outside our hotel. I ugly cried in gratitude. We left them blowing through the night. On our last morning, while waiting for our cab back to the airport Dan went and un-tied the red strings to keep.
The Fremont Troll was weirdly cool and another spot I had seen in a movie. The day we went to see the Troll it was congested with tons of kids so we didn't get any good photos. Though Dan and I stood there for a long while. Both quiet. I think we were both thinking of Ryan playing in the mix with the rest. He would have been the loudest. He would have been partial to play with the girls. He would have seen the others climb and jump off the trolls arm ... then find my eyes as to ask "Is this Ok mom? Can I do that?" I'd walk closer and try to take photos of him.
We traveled on a ferry to Bainbridge Island which was fun and somewhat relaxing. It was windy out on the deck and I fell asleep on the ferry twice. Bainbridge was beautiful and we ate our way through that little island too.
We plan trips that we would have with Ryan. Family trips that get us out of our reality and into a world were we feel Ryan shine warm on our faces. We feel Ryan always, but when we travel we see him in different places. We dream of his physical body with us and his soft hand in ours. For whatever reason, smiles come with ease when we travel. Tears flow too, but we lean on one another and promise each other that we'll be alright. Ryan was showing us himself in everything while we walked through Seattle . . .
Thank you Seattle for having us and showing us three a magical time.
"It's easier to be brave when your not alone." - Amy Poehler
For me I can only be brave when I am surrounded by incredible people who love life and cherish all that it brings. This is not to say I'm never alone or if I'm alone I am crying hot mess ... But to really do good and get through the grit I must be with people who support it all. Plus, it is much more fun when you aren't alone. It is easier to laugh, it is easier to take on the things that scare you, it is easier to learn more about yourself and how your insides work.
This past week I attended Alt Summit with zero intentions. In the back of my mind I had hope to learn more about blogging ... though that notion was broad and it scared me so I pushed it away. The other scary thing was the fact that I was about to toss my fragile self into a pot of talented strong women. I was about to test myself and how I'd hold up in this hot soup of brilliant bloggers, photographers, mothers and business owners. Would I wilt away and become tasteless or melt right in and prove flavorful?
I arrived clutching my best friend Alissa Circle's arm and made her promise to not let go. I've been to blogging conferences before, but this time I was different. This time I was attending with most everyone knowing every detail of my life and the tragedy I now walked with. It's one thing to be on the Internet talking and letting it all hang out ... It's different talking in person and letting them see it all out. Alissa let go, but only because she knew I could handle it. Though she never ventured far. We were in this together.
As I met amazing women and sat through knowledgeable keynote speakers I learned a whole lot. However, one major theme stood out day in and day out. There is one thing that all this Alt Summit magic has been built upon. Togetherness. We are all great and incredible because we are all doing it together. We are buying from each other, contributing for each other, listening together and laughing together. This community it is special because we are together.
For me it isn’t about networking so much as its about making friends. I found myself with business cards only to exchange phone numbers instead. It was a truly beautiful experience to meet the people who have been supporting, praying and keeping Ryan on their hearts. I had heart to hearts with strangers and cried with a few who just wanted a hug. I realized this hot soup was indeed flavorful with me in it. This hot soup was damn good with everyone in it.
What I learned at Alt Summit was pretty simple. In order to do good and get through the hard stuff … You have to surround yourself with amazing people. I learned that spending time knee deep in a conversation about how twisted life is and how we are coping is worth everything. I learned that laughing that real deep laugh about something silly is worth everything. Crying because you finally met the person who drew a beautiful sketch of your son holding a red balloon is worth everything.
It was overwhelming and by the last day I ditched the last keynote speaker and went back to my room to order a hamburger via room service. I realized I felt whole for a split second. As if all these new friends of mine were stuffed in my wound to stop the bleeding. For a fleeting moment my heart wasn’t broken anymore.
The thought is simple. Together. We can do it together. We are doing it together. Thank you to all of those who let me hug you. Thank you to my roommates for making me laugh and letting me be myself. Thank you to all my new friends … I look forward to the good we will do together.
It goes with out saying that Dan and I go back and forth between hell and a somewhat tolerable hell. There are times that we can breath with ease, and times that we can't. Between the good, the bad and the awful are a few 'moments'. Moments that glimmer hope and give off peace. Moments that heal our sad souls a little bit at a time. These moments are given to us with the help of our family and friends walking this loss with us. But truly they are guided to us by Ryan as he works with God to help his parents get through. At least that's what I believe. I have to believe my son is working hard to make sure Dan and I come out of this strong and more in love than ever. Otherwise, I'll drive myself insane with continuously questioning things that will never have answers. I have to believe my son can see us. If I don't believe my son is with God, if I don't believe he is truly happier in Heaven...then I have nothing. Then his death will be a waste, instead of a lesson that leads to not a better life, but a stronger one.
When Ryan isn't working for us he is with us. I have to believe that too. Ryan was such an active little boy. He always wanted to be doing something. We always tried to be doing something fun for him. Sometimes I would feel like I failed him if I only took him to the park. I always tried to take him somewhere fun and then get a treat along with it. As a family we tried to take trips, even if it was just local. When we didn't physically go somewhere we would do crafts or cook something fun. Always up to something...
Now, Dan and I have promised to continue to do the same. We recently went to San Francisco (a trip we had planned for the three of us) and it was the first time we had ventured out since everything fell apart. At first I felt guilty. I felt guilty for going ahead with our trip. I felt guilty for wanting to try really hard to have a little fun. What kind of mother wants to try and have fun while she morns her son's death? These inside struggles happen quiet frequently and then they slowly subside. My guilt wore off as I thought about how my son would hate it if we sat at home all day. I thought about how he would get bored and get stir crazy. That is when Dan and made our promise to honor our son instead of let his life and ours fall by the waste side.
With and with out Ryan. Meaning he is with us in our hearts, but we are with out his little body. He is with us when he feel the wind blow against our faces, but we are with out hearing his laughter or tiny voice tell us stories or jokes. We are with him when we see things that he loved, but we are with out feeling his hands hold ours as we walk or run. It is like feeling okay and then its like having a knife pushed so far into your heart and all you feel is deep sharp pain. You shake with hurt and heartbreak and you think to yourself how are we ever going to do this?
Then we force ourselves to remember he is with us even though we are with out him. This balance is the hardest thing to learn. Thank God for our family and true friends. Dan and I went to college up in Northern California, that's where we met. During our four years there we made friends that have become family. Friends that have the most incredible hearts and the most selfless souls. While up in SF our friends rallied around Dan and I and made sure to help us create those 'moments'. Those moments that glimmer hope and give off peace. Those moments that heal our sad souls a little bit at a time.
And with that, as I have said before, Dan and I will force ourselves to travel and live.
With and with out our Ryan.
San Francisco has been a location that our family has been to a thousand times.
It was Ryan's first trip. And Ryan, we promise to take you everywhere baby. From here on out.
Dan and I have made a promise to each other. We promised that in the midst of mourning our son, we would try our hardest to do things that remind us of him. We promised to try and continue to live. When we became parents we promised to do everything for our son ... We are still parents and we will continue to do everything for our son. It's that simple. If we stop running, stop smiling, stop laughing then we aren't doing anything for our son. We made our son and he ran like us, smiled like us and laughed like us. We are his parents and he is the perfect mixture of Irish red hair and Spanish fury.
We won't roll over and die. We will roll over and live as our lasting promise to our son.
Ryan loved watching videos of himself. I have a ton of video clips of Ryan being perfectly obnoxious. Although I can't watch them at the moment, I will save them obviously. When Dan and I have the heart to watch and re-live those moments we will. To be perfectly honest I am beyond afraid to watch videos of our son. Photos I can handle looking at if I'm in the right mood...I also can't be alone when I look because then I spiral into a dark angry place of "Why God, Why?!". However, looking at photos of my son with my family alongside me makes my heart swell. I love to see the smile he brings to there faces, and I feel tiny comfort. Does that make sense? Who cares...Trying to make sense of things is impossible and not worth much. I'm learning to live with the pain instead of trying to make sense of it.
Anyways, Ryan loved watching videos of himself and his family. He knew how to work in iPhone and he would love to replay video clips on his own.
Over and over and over again.
I made this ridiculously geeky video of my husband Dan and I biking over the Golden Gate bridge. I made it for my son. I know he was biking with us in the moment, but now he has this video to replay.
Over and over and over again.
Ryan Cruz, your mommy and daddy are trying to live in your honor. We are trying dude, really hard.
Trying over and over and over again.
After a visit with Ryan's pediatrician, only to find out that our poor kid had an extreme case of the flu/head cold/green monster syndrome....The last thing I wanted to do was pack up and head out for the weekend. However, we aren't the type of family who cancels plans due to a very large amount of green mucus oozing out our eyes. Nope! We are the type to roll on and out. In hopes of making some damn good memories along the way.
Armed with medicine, nose wipes and more medicine we headed to Flagstaff, Arizona for the weekend.
You did not disappoint.
Thanks for your bad ass weather and beautiful Autumn scenery!
2 Redheads and 1 Brunette