When you are going through a crap time some people will tell you "Well, honey. When it rains it pours." Meaning, yup! You are walking through crap and you'll encounter more crap because that's they way it goes. It can be true. I've even said it to friends who have walked along side their own troubles. We say things like this to help make us feel better. To help our minds take ease. As in, take comfort because when something difficult happens, something else always happens alongside of it. Happens to everyone . . .
Someone said this phrase to me yesterday when I found out I have a serious hernia and will possibly need surgery to fix it. Some of you may know that I am currently pregnant and no matter how you slice it, surgery while pregnant just shouldn't go together. I've been having this awful pain for a month now that we chalked up to something called "round ligament pain". It made sense as my body was growing by the day my muscles where stretching round and out and sometimes that can be painful. We are generally positive people in this tiny Saldana household and after working eight hours on my feet while housing a tiny human the stretching pain seemed normal enough. Dummies we can be while blinded with our optimism.
Anyways, at the end of a long Monday I had some how become the proud new owner of a bouncy ball sized bump down near my lady bits. Congratulations! While having two bumps one baby, one painful, I marched myself into my doctors office not really sure of what all this mess was. Long story short its a hernia and I see a surgeon today to see what my options are.
Anyone who knows me personally knows deeply that I am dramatic and take everything personal. What is life with out some deep feelings I say? All I care to do is feel and when you are scared sometimes the only way to make you feel better is to cry. My husband hates it, but that's what girlfriends are for I guess. To brave me at my most dramatic state, listen to my woes and toss a chocolate peanut butter shake into my worked up cage of emotions. Thank you, Megan.
Realistically things could be worse, a lot worse. I know this from having to go through the absolute worst just a year ago. A hernia is common. I don't know if it is with pregnant women, but whatever, I'll find out all the details and hopefully get it all taken care of. The thought of surgery still scares me, mostly because I'm worried about the baby. I took the news pretty hard yesterday and cried myself silly. Endured a panic attack, the first one I've had in months. Tried to calm down while watching television with swollen eyes. Feeling frustrated, why can't these nine months just go smoothly?
Why must it rain?
It has to rain. Us Californians know, we need the rain. Literally. We as humans need the rain to happen in our life too. We need to go through the crap, and go through it a bit more. I believe in the rain and all the work it does for us. I'm obsessed with learning about how the rain has changed us for the better, for the stronger. When it rains, it pours so when it finally stops we can come out the other end much more grateful for all the blessings we have and will continue to gain.
After my anxiety ran its course. My tears stopped welling. My husband slowly crawled by my side. The chocolate peanut butter shake cup sucked dry. I sat in my bed. Finally calm and feeling rational. Feeling like "OK! If I have to have surgery, bring it on." Everything was still and calm. The glow of Diners, Drive Ins and Dives splashing color through out dark bedroom. And as the rain ceased our baby kicked for the first time. Not just one kick, a bunch of kicks. My husband and I sat with our hands on my belly laughing. The baby was kicking to say "Hi" or perhaps "Quiet down out there!" Baby kicks are so special and the feeling is indescribable. While the baby was kicking I also felt my other my baby, my son Ryan. He was laughing alongside us, I felt the warmth of my husbands hand on my belly hot with love and felt Ryan's chubby hand too. In that moment of bliss we were four . . . and then we fell asleep.
When the rain is all said and done there usually is a rainbow or diamond like glitters that shine from flower petals or ends with sweet soft baby kicks. In the end, no matter how rough the rain, most everything is better because of it.