Some days are good and maybe easy. Some days are hard and definitely terrible.
Each morning is a toss up.
Over the past few days I have realized a new feeling though. This overwhelmingly warm feeling of gratitude. I seriously feel grateful. It feels weird saying this because I lost a beautiful piece of me and here I stand now grateful? Is that even possible?
I feel grateful when I look into my husbands eyes and hug him tight.
I feel grateful when my family makes me laugh and I'm able to act silly.
I feel grateful for my friends, new friends and the strangers who pray for us.
I feel grateful for the time I had with my son.
I feel grateful to be a mother. A special mother. Ryan's mother.
I feel grateful for the future.
God has proven to me over the past weeks there are still beautiful things to be grateful for. At first I couldn't see it. My eyes so clouded with anger and disbelief of this new life. Now I can see through the cracks of pain the beauty of all to be grateful for. Trust me...it is a slow process. But I feel the power working within me.
I will tell you, being grateful is the hardest thing to be in a time like this. It is so easy to be angry all the time. I do still feel angry. I feel sad always. I understand that the feeling of sadness will never go away. I feel heart broken when faced with other mothers who get to hold their babies. However, it is worth trying to feel grateful in the midst of anger and sadness. Because it is my faith and gratitude that is keeping me alive.
At least that is what I believe.
This feeling of gratefulness is proof there will be more, much more for my husband Dan and I.
This is all new to me...Writing it out helps me understand it better.
I am trying. I am trying so hard to explore my grief and really feel all there is to feel.
Thank you for listening friends.
Recently, my husband Dan and I have been up to really nothing. We are staying with my family and learning everyday how to get up, get dressed and live with out our son. We have been working a lot and planning a few getaways. We are dreaming of the future and allowing ourselves to think about what exactly does our life look like now ... physically just us two. We are learning how to work with this balance between immense sadness and hope. We are starting to feel the limbo between our old life and our new one just around the corner. There is no rush, but lots of dreams. All dreams I believe powered by our son and his want to see us happy and strong.
I share on Instagram almost daily, about what it is I'm feeling or doing. Below is everything we do in between. Below is how we are getting through each and every day.
Life For Us Right Now Looks Like...Lunch dates while we are at work. Putting work aside and escaping for an hour with my husband is the greatest relief.
Lots of movie dates with buttered popcorn and sour candies.
Jumping in the pool and letting the sun kiss our skin.
Lots of gym time and letting our bodies feel strong with exercise.
Forcing ourselves to work, and learn the ropes of living with this hole in our hearts.
Late nights watching funny SNL clips or action movies.
Very little sleep actually, sleep still isn't easy.
Helpful therapy sessions followed by ice cream cones.
Family dinners every night and deep hearty laughs that make us feel normal.