I’ve wrote about this before, when I first shared about my miscarriage last December. Even now when out with friends or spending time alone it comes to my mind, bubbling up to remind me to just be sensitive with others. Last December I had a nine week pregnancy appointment. We were in the middle of moving and my in laws came over to help pack and watch Mila while I ran to to check on this growing baby I had already grown close to. Even though it was still so early, when you are trying for a baby and the stick turns positive you get this deep rooted excitement that is nearly impossible to explain. I had gone in at just seven weeks because I was experiencing some cramping and when our doctor showed me a tiny little blip that looked like a peanut I felt oddly connected. So, heading in at nine weeks seemed exhilarating and already I found myself thinking about our baby being born in the Summer.
I was sitting in the waiting room scrolling through my phone. Making a list of all the things that needed to get done before the move. I sat there with another women who looked like me, if she was pregnant there would be no way of telling. Things were quiet except a little boy was playing with his dad across from me. Soon, the little boys mother came bursting out so thrilled holding an ultra sound photo. I think they had finally gotten a great profile shot and she was so happy! (As she should be) She went up to the receptionist and showed her the photo. They had a little family celebration for their baby on the way right in the middle of the lobby. I remember feeling really awkward and upset. I prayed for the other women sitting with me, hoping she wasn’t going through something terrible and while waiting to hear her name be called, she has to sit and endure another woman celebrate. I thought for a second, am I crazy and just being sensitive? The other woman is probably fine and we should all get up for this mom and celebrate her great ultra sound! After it quieted it down, I went back to feeling excited for our own baby growing within me and hoped I too would get a great ultra sound pic to show Mila in a few months. Little did I know, the woman I should I have been worried for and praying for was actually me.
It was that same appointment that the doctor told me the baby was indeed growing but there was no heartbeat. So the doctor gave me a few choices, all of them resulting in terminating the pregnancy. I felt so dumbfounded and kept thinking about that lucky ass woman who got the ultra sound photo of a life time just a few minutes before. I felt hot with anger, chose to take this god awful pill that would start contractions to eliminate the baby or fetus or whatever, and then left to pick up Mila for her swim class. I took a hit straight to the heart and still life had to go on, on the outside I looked just fine.
Sitting at Mila’s swim class my anger started to subside and sadness crashed in. There were parents (mostly moms) sitting all around the pool. I wondered how many had faced what I was going through then. I kept meeting eyes with Mila, giving her a big grin and a thumbs up. Honestly so proud of her swimming progress and in love with how happy she is in the water. But at the same time feeling so crushed inside. I’ll never stop being amazed as how one can feel so happy and so sad at the same time. I feel the two daily and it can be such a struggle.
Anyways, I just wanted to come her and share this again because it is something that has truly been on my mind. I felt like prior to my miscarriage I was so damn naive about getting pregnant and the true struggle it can be. I feel awful for asking innocent prying questions in the past like “So, are you going to have a second?” or “When are you guys going to have a baby?” because you just truly don’t know what people are going through on the inside. Moving forward I’ve been trying hard to be more sensitive. While we are so thrilled about being pregnant now, it isn’t lost on us the loss we faced earlier and the struggles others go through. Again, it is completely OK to feel upset about something and happy for another. I just wanted to put this out there and open it up to anyone else who may feel the same way. Or has gone through something similar. I’d love any conversation about loss really, because so often we celebrate our wins when really its our losses that make our wins so beautiful.
Love you all, thank you for listening!
Photos by Lily Ro Photography