Learning Sisterhood Part 2 + Helpful Big Sis Transition Tips
I am all for celebrating damn near anything! I learned that from my mom. When we were little I remember my mom calling for a celebration for almost everything. Big or small it didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter if we accomplished something great or were going through a hard time. We’d head out for ice cream, enjoy a fun dinner, or she’d sneak a $5 gift card in our rooms in hopes of giving us the courage to continue. “Congrats on acing your test!” “You made it through soccer try outs! Proud of you no matter the outcome!” “Everyone finished their chores!” “You didn’t get the job you wanted and that’s OK.” “Next week will be better, focus on the good. Let’s go get some fries!” In turn, it made my siblings and I excited to bring any kind of news to my mom. She celebrated our accomplishments along with our troubles. Making it clear that feeling broken was inevitable, necessary even, in order to reap the benefits of feeling whole. Celebrating every step was vital as it showcased our growth. Helping us understand that life is full of ups and downs, but what matters is what we do in the face of both. In short, celebrate and force yourself to see the good through it all.
I am not sure mom knew when we were little how important her little lessons where. It is almost as if she foresaw all our lives laced with the hurt and happiness then devoted herself to equipping us with the tools we needed to get through it all. Parents are incredible that way. I can only hope my children see me in the same light.
The thought of celebrating our family learning sisterhood together these past two months brought forth the memories of my mom and my childhood. Baby Maya turned two months last week and our family celebrated with tiny ice creams Dan found at the grocery store. Mila was overjoyed as it was something she had never had before. We were all overjoyed as we made it two months and have learned a great deal about each other and our family as whole. After celebrating we felt refreshed and ready to move forward to what lies next. Mila feeling more confident as ever as a big sister.
The past two months have been both wildly beautiful and viscously difficult. Never did I imagine my four year old taking to big sisterhood so upside down. Never did I think all I knew about parenthood would be tossed out the window. These past two months have made re-learn everything from scratch to fit the season our family is currently in. I wrote about the initial hardships we faced when bringing home baby. You can read about that HERE. The dust is finally settling and I am rubbing my eyes clear. I can see my girls showing each other affection and for the first time I can feel my heart double in size. I can feel Mila warming back up with me, slowly putting together the pieces of our relationship pre-baby. Dan and I are understanding this family of ours more and more. What works and what doesn’t. It got ugly and then really picturesque. The trick is know that ugly and picturesque can co-exist and some days one or the other will cross the finish line first. If ugly wins, we regroup and restart the next day. The five of us holding hands conquering it all.
To be clear, Mila has always loved her baby sister Maya. From the second they met Mila has been in awe. She also has this strong sense to make sure Maya is OK. From the start Mila has shown a real want to help keep Maya’s mouth clean, softly wiping it if she spits up. Mila will alert me if Maya starts to cry in the car. She’ll also tell me from the backseat out of the blue “Mom, Maya is doing OK.” The hard part was Mila learning to share me and not getting to spend all our time together like before. The sharing Mom bit was tough to swallow for both of us. We both sort of had to mourn our past relationship and now we are working towards our new one that glitters with promise of being better than before. With me being the oldest of four, I pulled from my own experiences to help my baby girl navigate this big sister path. Calling on all the patience in the world (four year old tantrums are no joke) and tender grace to get us through in mostly one piece.
Now with two months post baby Maya under our belts I feel so much more positive. Things are finally taking a turn towards our new normal. Dan and I started to intently listen to ourselves and Mila. Trying to understand what we each needed and then working tirelessly on fulling each other. Below I’m sharing some things we found extremely helpful during this transition. By no means are we in the clear or parent professionals. Raising two girls, I’m guessing, will bring with it endless learning curves! I’m just happy we have far less tantrums and an older sister who is really growing into her new role. I’m proud our family is finding balance and that baby Maya is preciously completing us in ways my heart just couldn’t comprehend until now.
Some ‘Big Sister’ Transition Tips/Activites Our Family Finds Helpful
Reachable Snacks - Back when I was newly pregnant with Maya Dan and I went out to dinner with our best friends from college. They had just had their second baby and told us their older daughter was having some trouble with the change. They told us one thing that was helpful was setting snacks at a reachable level for their older child to grab when mom was with baby. Typically when Mila wanted a snack in between meals I’d just grab it for her. Though it made sense to make snacks more reachable for her in case I was feeding the baby or in a position where I couldn’t help Mila right away. Of course I could just make Mila wait until I could tend to her, but with her just turing four I felt it healthy to set up reachable grab-n-go snacks. In the refrigerator I labeled three bins; granola bars, fruit pouches + smoothies, yogurts. I also keep string cheeses easily accessible at the front of the cheese drawer and washed apples + carrots in a bottom drawer. After asking and getting the green light, Mila can go and grab a snack. It isn’t just a free for all, snack whenever she wants kinda deal. Mila knows she has to ask before grabbing a snack. Once she gets the OK she happily will grab one. So far it has really helped Mila feel more independent and happy. She enjoys this big step of serving herself and quite often offers to grab something for Dan and I. In addition to reachable snacks, at the start of the day I fill up two water bottles for Mila to have through the day. Just doing that has been helpful in keeping on top of Mila staying hydrated. And if she says she is thirsty I can refer her to her water bottle in stead of stopping what I’m doing to get her a cup of water.
Setting Her Up For Success - This goes hand in hand with having reachable snacks and filled up water bottles. Prior to sitting down to feed the baby, change the baby, or give the baby a bath I run through the list with Mila making sure she is set up for success while I’m tending to the baby. I’ll make sure she knows she can grab a snack if she is wants, double check her water bottle to make sure it is filled, and then set her up with an activity of some sort. We’ll pull together some books to read while I feed the baby or set up a matching game on the couch we can play. Or I’ll help her gather some art supplies so she can make something while I’m busy with baby. We’ll chose a short show (or even a movie if the day allows) to watch together while I rest/feed baby. Basically I make sure Mila has everything she needs to keep busy and out of trouble while I’m with baby. Or even while I take a shower! Taking the extra time to do this has helped tremendously! I am home alone most of the day with the girls and I also work full time from home. I am not great at multitasking so setting up Mila for success before I get some things done for baby and/or work helps us both feel like we are being productive together.
Talk To Them Both The Same Way - One of my friends on Instagram left me this advice in the comment section when I shared how difficult things were after New Years. They shared that talking to the baby the same way you’d talk to your older child would help combat the older child feeling less than or not as special. After I read it, something in me clicked. I had to re-work my brain for this one and be more conscious when interacting with both girls. It is actually hard to explain but if the baby is crying and Mila needs something I’ll call out to the baby “Hold on Maya, Mila needs mommy for a second.” or when I put Maya in her swing I’ll say “You can hang out here for a bit while I get Mila dressed/play with Mila.” Basically I’m showing both girls in the same tone that mom is splitting her time equally. Also I’m trying to be more aware of how I’m interacting with the baby vs Mila. It is only natural to coo and put forth extreme energy when interacting with a baby. So I try to match that same extreme when interacting with Mila. At the start I fell guilty of talking to the baby as if I were her hype girl! Smiling, cooing, and just overall being full of joy. Cut to Mila I’d still be happy and smiling, but I wasn’t as excited or overjoyed. I know that sounds awful but I’m hoping you understand what I’m trying to explain. An example; I’d cheer baby Maya on while getting her changed. Mila would be in the same space playing with a toy on the floor, I’d turn and excitedly ask Mila to show us her toy. Or ask her if she wants to choose what we have for dinner that night. I think in the midst of my exhaustion I’d keep my tone high and light with the baby no matter what and just be regular when talking to Mila. Which honestly is fine! Just not all the time. Especially for Mila, she picks up on everything and I didn’t want her to think mom is always happy with the baby and not with me. At some point, as Maya gets older, things will even out. But I’m trying to be a ton more conscious about how I have speak to both girls, making them both feel special.
Simple Mom & Me Dates - If you know our family then you know we frequent Disneyland a lot! In fact, before baby Maya, Mila and I would go once every week! Since having the baby, Mila and I have gone to Disneyland just us three times now and they have been pretty special. Showing Mila that we can still do things like before is important. But Disneyland doesn’t happen as often as it did and honestly most days it isn’t easy to plan for on a whim like it was. So we’ve taken to simple trips to Target, the grocery store, park dates followed by Jamba Juice, ice cream after school, nature walks etc. to get in our one on one time together. These are things we also did before baby they just hold a bit more weight to themnow if that makes sense. I’m more intent with our conversations during our one on one time, careful to ask her questions about how she feels, what she is most excited about lately, and things Dan and I do that she really loves and really doesn’t love. Nothing is more humbling or insightful than getting an honest review … especially from your children. But I have found it helpful to check in like this during our time together. We also make fart jokes and recently we stuffed as many marshmallows into our mouths as we could. So I balance the conversations and activities nicely ;)
New Routines + Traditions - At the start we all sort of hit the ground running, putting out fires as best we could when they arose. Most of the time it ended in tears from everyone (even Dan) or an argument. For some reason we lost sight of what our family holds so dear to our heart. Family routines + traditions. These are things Dan and I have spent the past 10 years instilling after the birth of our son Ryan. We thrive off daily routine that is speckled with fun to keep the day going. We live for our weekly, monthly, and holiday traditions to help ground us. After bringing home the baby I think we all just sort of lost sight of things. Focusing only on getting through the night and making sure baby Maya was doing ok. Slowly we are reinstalling our weekly traditions and even making new ones that encompass our new family. And now that we have a new baby in the home, our daily routines look a bit different too. One routine that we have been doing on mornings when Mila doesn’t have school is going to get coffee and then dropping one off to Dan at work before we start our day. It doesn’t sound like much but it was Mila’s idea at first and then we just ran with it. It has been helpful to try out new things that could possibly become part of our new routine and establish new family traditions with Mila. It has kept things exciting and gives Mila a chance to take control over certain things. Two weeks ago we went to the Southern California Children’s Museum for the first time ever and have decided to go once every month. Mila was thrilled to add that to our monthly tradition! I think the idea here is that not just the baby is new and exciting. With the change there are also other things that can be new and exciting for Mila … we just have to create them.
Creation Station - Speaking of creating things! Out of pure desperation one day I made up a ‘Creation Station’ for Mila in my living room. Mila was home sick from school and with Dan gone at work I had to get work done myself + take care of both girls. Things were seemingly smooth for a day or so but I needed to reinvent some activities to keep us from losing it. I taped down craft paper to my coffee table then pulled out the; watercolors, play dough, markers, stickers, washi tape. Pretty much anything crafty and exciting. I called it ‘Creation Station’ because the way Mila says creation just melts my heart and we both have fun saying the two rhyming words. Our Creation Station has become a staple as it hasn’t been taken down for a couple of weeks now. It keeps Mila busy and proves to be a great place for us both to do a craft together! We’ve had to implement some rules to keep things in order, but truly Mila can use the space for whatever she wants to create! Mila loves when I pull up the baby to her Creation Station. She shows baby Maya what she is working on. It has allowed for some sweet moments which we all appreciate.
When In Doubt, Take A Walk or Take A Bath - That is the truth. When things get hairy I put Mila in a nice warm bath with a cool bath bomb and bubbles. I let her stay in there as long as she wants playing with Barbies or whatever other bath toys are in there. OR I pack everyone up and go for a long walk. While on our walk I try to call out things Mila can search for or if I have time I scribble out a quick scavenger hunt list. Those two things seems to help dissipate the tension or overwhelming feelings. (Another go-to is piling everyone in the car and hitting the drive-thru Starbucks. The baby will fall asleep, Mila will get a chocolate milk and bop to the music, I’ll have a latte and chill the F out.)
In the end tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, I know that better than most. So I try my hardest to make the most of everyday with my family. BUT when the day is a disaster, I have to trust that tomorrow will be better. And it always is. If you are feeling crazed at home with your little ones, I hope some of these ideas help. Or at the very least please know that you aren’t alone in feeling wildly out of control!
Big thank you to Cuddle & Kind for sending the girls these too cute Mermaid dolls! We love Cuddle & Kind and their mission to help end childhood hunger. One doll purchased equals TEN meals the company gives back to children in need around the world. Mila loves the new dolls and the fact that they including one with red hair for her!